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Dates make me fart. Both kinds. When I’m out flirting (nerves), and when I’m in stuffing my face (fruit). Yet I still do both, however unsuccessfully. 

Afterall, it’s hard to make a girl laugh. And it’s hard to shove enough cheese into those tiny dates to offset their laxative effects. Cheese usually binds me up; but when paired with a date, not so!

In fact, I challenge you to cram enough coagulation into your dates so as to block you up. I challenge you to wrap an entire strip of bacon around your bitsy, bite-sized snack. Goodluck! It’s going to look like a bandaged, frost-biten toe. Not a big deal at home but it could ruin a co-worker’s lunch. To avoid getting sent to HR, you’ll have to cut the bacon in half, maybe thirds. And that’s the easy part of assembly. Stockpiling enough for a meal is the hard part. 

If you manage to stuff more than six dates without snarfing them immediately, tuck them away, hide them until your guests arrive, until the party starts. You’re already doing better than me! I once volunteered to bring a plate of dates and arrived with only two. The rest were either gobbled in the car or stuck between the seats. It’s a sticky recipe. Do not attempt if hungry.

Of course, you can pack your dates with whatever you want. Anything beats their default. They come fresh out of the box with a tooth-shattering pit. As with most store-bought treats, you’ll want to modify this slightly. If you remove those pits, you’ll find just enough room for the aforementioned glob of cheese, or even sneakier, some chocolate. I knew a friend who proposed to his girlfriend by concealing a diamond in the crevice of a date. A large, sparkly rock, it scratched her throat as she gulped it down. Luckily, after sitting on it for a day, she found it in the toilet and said yes! Dates seem to have that effect. They push things along.

In addition to stimulating digestion, dates power-up brain cells. Think super-pill, the only side effect: weight gain. Yes, I’ve been experimenting on myself – with good results. I like to pop one in before arm wrestling, or a boring class at school. So far, I’m undefeated and passing arithmetic.

And I’m no mathematician, so tell me if this adds up. I shoved two dates into my ears at a concert to muffle the noise, and when I finally yanked them out, only half the dates were left! Did I snarf them through my ears? Did my ears need a snack? That might explain why I can barely hear lately. Which brings me to the gist of this post: Are stuffed dates worth the risks?