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Dead men tell no tales – the pirates code. But when Rocco, first matey aboard the abominable “Seashell”, sunk to the bottom of the ocean, Davy Jones himself recorded the tragedy for all to read. 

A memoir from Davy Jones’ Locker:

Rocco deserved better than to die. Aye, he committed a mutiny, and the price of mutiny was death. But to feed the fish over a bit of pirate booty?  

“Walk the plank ye scurvy wanker! And thanks for ruinin me birthday!”

Captain Crockpot glared at the scallywag balanced on top an old, wooden board. He hated to send crew overboard, needed to make an example of the traitor.

“Blow me down, butthole! I can’t swim.”

An understatement, Rocco not only dropped like sink bait in the deep, but he nearly drowned in the bathtub three times. Now, he would be flushed away for good.

And yet, the captain was unfazed.

“Silence bucko. Ye tricked me for the last time!”

Chugging a bottle of rum, Crockpot stumbled across the deck on two broken peg legs. Oddly enough, one stood higher than the other, and gave him the appearance of an unbalanced candlestick. His baggy coat and unruly beard did nothing to hide his booze addiction – the result of his lost limbs. In the past, he served as a proud navigator. Lately, he could hardly find his way around the ship.

*Click clack, click clack*

Rocco heard him coming, and closing his eyes, recalled the crimes which sealed his fate.

The day began like any other – biscuits for breakfast followed by chores. Only this time, Rocco skipped his morning task (swabbing the poop deck), to sneak away and retrieve the captain’s present: a treasure map. 

He grabbed the paper from his underwear drawer; according to the braindead sailor he stole it from, the map carried a terrible curse….

“Beware the booty!” he had warned.

Rocco listened carefully, thanked him for the advice, punched him in the face. Afterall, he never believed in superstition, although the captain enjoyed it. 

In fact, Captain Crockpot adored treasure hunting, and guessed the contents of his gift before unwrapping it. “Why she’s a treasure map!” he beamed. “Set sail mateys!  And batten down the hatches…. I’m likely to break wind.”

Twenty minutes and five farts later, they arrived at a popular beach with palm trees and tourists to match. The sand stunk of tuna sandwiches. Rocco was convinced it was the wrong beach, and offered to read the map. 

“Yo ho ho! How many beers was that, captain?” 

Ignoring him, Crockpot peered through his spyglass, eyeing the coast. The vacationers had spotted their ship, and were quickly fleeing (likely because the “Seashell” was infamous for dropping potty waste near the shoreline). This pleased him.

“Don’t doubt me boy. I’ve sailed these seas since before yer mama was fat.”

And to prove his point, he sent Rocco down to dig.

Crockpot had identified the X on the map: a patch of grass near a banana shrub. With no visitors left, excavation would be simple. The only trouble was Rocco’s sea legs. They shook as he touched the ground, adding minutes to his hike across the beach. A few times, he tripped and bumped his toes on rocks. When he finally arrived, he struggled to dent the earth until…

*Clunk*

“Thar she blows!” he muttered in astonishment. He struck gold, and to snatch it, he bent down and stuck his head into the hole. Unfortunately, as he strained to lift the crate, his legs cramped and left his butt wobbling in the air.

“Booooty! Over here!”

Exhausted, he called for help, and smacked his butt to signal backup. 

Sadly, the crew mistook his gesture for scandal. They watched him wag his tail like a peppy dog, as if mocking the captain. Some laughed at this, and began slapping their own glutes in wonder. Captain Crockpot was bewildered.

“This is mutiny!” he spat. “Bring the boy to me.”

Now, Rocco squatted on the plank, remembering the sailor’s curse: beware the booty. He was foolish to ignore it. Afterall, Captain Crockpot sentenced him to death, although the sentence was a prank.

Pirates conducted birthday pranks all the time, and Crockpot believed that Rocco’s display was actually a trick. However, the captain also believed in revenge, and decided to trick Rocco back: walk the plank.

Yet, in his enthusiasm, Crockpot drank too much and stumbled about the boat, trying to explain himself.

“Arrrgh! Slap me booty, boys!”

Realizing his men were confused, he lurched forward to untie Rocco and slipped on the dirty poop deck. Falling over, Captain Crockpot slammed the plank and knocked Rocco into the water, never to be seen again.

    by: DOM