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In and out. A motto for the amateur grocery shopper. Fill your basket and get out… but you know better. 

You know that an old lady will park her electric cart in the middle of the dairy aisle and freeze the motor with too much cheese. And while you turn around to leave, some dork will mug you for the last Christmas ham because he promised his wife a normal holiday. The employees busy themselves eating free samples and you can’t find a bathroom anywhere. Finally, after wasting three Sunday hours, your husband drives home without you – a fitting end to a pathetic outing.

But you know the tricks to avoiding such unsavory mishaps. Number one: collect your produce first. Not only do the healthy shelves prepare your mind for the battle ahead, but a good cabbage will repel kids like raisins on Halloween. Well, every kid except one apparently. 

You discovered her among the vegetables, eating green beans from a display. 

*Chomp plop*

Lip smacking – a noise gross enough to trigger an intense bout of store rage. 

“Shut up fat twerp! Who’s your daddy?”

Glaring about for some sign of intelligent life, you realized that there weren’t any – a notion reinforced by the arrival of the store manager. 

A burly brute, and also a distressed one, he hobbled onto the scene sputtering rubbish like a gumball machine. Half his teeth were missing. 

“Oho! So you’ll steal me legumes now, eh?”

He was demented, demented in the way that he wielded his bat, daring the girl to move. And yet, move she did, shoveling four more beans into her nose (a snack for later). Perhaps a bit too deep, she laughed and choked on the vegetables. 

For a moment, the two feigned at each other, argued in silence until suddenly, the bossman spat a curse and heaved his club. An inaccurate blow … unless he meant to crush the squashes 

*Crack*

Rest in peace pumpkins. 

Concerned customers from across the store howled in fright. You were not among them; nonetheless, something must be done. Began recording you did. 

Unfortunately, the footage made the fight look boring, or maybe the fight made the footage look boring. Either way, you were bored.

You filmed the dumb bloke as he splattered tomato guts across the floor, finally trapping his enemy behind a box of oranges. It was unclear whether he aimed to intimidate the girl, or simply relive his baseball career (his technique was a mix of Babe Ruth and ancient neanderthal bludgeoning). Still, as he squared his shoulders for a fatal blow, his club slipped from his grip and smashed his knee.

*Bonk*

That explains his management position as opposed to the major leagues. 

Lips trembling, he stifled a scream while the thief, shrewd as a fox, bent down, scooped a great glob of pulp from the wall and hurled it at the manager. The gunk creamed his face, seeping through the holes in his teeth. 

“Arrrghhh!”

Our beloved hero, utterly defeated, collapsed under the weight of the goo and whimpered into his radio.

“Security! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

Within minutes, two rundown security guards arrived on mopeds. Ignoring the girl, they rushed to their boss and began covering his leg in colorful band aids. Their professionalism suggested that they had performed this task many times before. Although, they normally guarded the door. The door that was now unguarded….

Grabbing all the avocados, you packed your cart hastily and strolled straight out the door. Rule number two: show no mercy.

After watching you go, the girl followed. She followed you across the parking lot to a black Mercedes Bendz. Resting her hand on the hood, she took the beans from her snout. 

“Same time next week, grandma?”

    by: DOM