The Dumpy Times

Lost Cow

Major Beef, a small town cow, disappeared yesterday aboard the Whirly Turd,  a new attack helicopter. Allegedly, he was stuffed into the machine like the cream of a donut: haphazardly while on automatic pilot (there was no driver)!

The responsible party, Dumpy Airlines, caused this disaster by allowing their senseless CEO to brag in a televised interview. 

“I bet my left buttcheek a cow could fly the WhirlyTurd. Wowie!”

A poor choice of words to plaster across national headlines, as thousands of farmers then volunteered their cattle for a test flight (they hoped to publicize their pastures and gain sales by putting a cow in the clouds). In fact, the agricultural industry caused such a racket that even the President of the United States got involved, promising to bestow the honorary title of Air Force Major to whichever animal rode the big Turd. 

Thousands of citizens submitted photos of livestock and a few grumpy cats until finally, Dumpy Airlines selected Beef – an old lady’s barnyard baby – to undergo the ceremonial  journey.

Thousands of spectators cheered as Beef became Major and flew out of sight, never to be seen again. 

Please contact Dumpy Airlines with any information regarding this helpless pet; his moos are very missed. Reward up to $6,900.

Major Beef, a small town cow, finished this newspaper article from the cockpit of the WhirlyTurd. He had learned to read years ago, binge watching every episode of Spongebob Squarepants with the closed captions turned on. He also read the attack helicopter’s manual, and now set course for India – land of the free. 

Like many troublesome children, Major Beef was not a bad cow. For example, he did not mean to explode a meat packaging plant with the heavy artillery of his new chopper (no casualties), just as he did not mean to drop a cow pie onto a taco stand. He was just misunderstood. 

All the humans wanted to hear was “moooooo” and never “F is for friends who do stuff together.” And who needs friends when you can read?

    by: Dom